My daughter doesn’t just dislike the dark—she dreads it. Being alone in a dark room makes her forget she’s a rambunctious 5-year-old who dreams of someday becoming a space doctor. She won’t even crawl under the covers without her trusty flashlight or walk into her closet unless her Minnie Mouse night light is glowing softly in the corner. And honestly? I get it.
Fear of the dark is not irrational—it’s ancient. It’s stitched into the very fabric of who we are. If our cave-dwelling ancestors wandered too far or chased a suspicious sound into the pitch black, chances are they didn’t come back. Every culture, across time and space, has told stories of creatures that lurk in the shadows. These aren’t just spooky tales—they’re warnings designed to keep kids close, to stop them from wandering off and getting lost, or worse.
But sometimes, that fear clings too tightly. It can become paralyzing, making a child feel small and powerless. As tempted as we are to tell them, “There’s nothing to be afraid of,” it’s not helpful and often trivializes their very real fears. Because the truth is, the unknown is scary. The dark is scary. And pretending otherwise doesn’t help them—because what they feel is real.
But here’s the thing: fear doesn’t have to control us. It’s okay to feel afraid, but we can’t let fear stop us from living our lives—or, in my daughter’s case, from falling asleep at night. Finding courage isn’t about being fearless. It’s doing the hard thing even when you’re afraid. It’s walking through a dark room, one breath at a time. Courage without fear is just recklessness.
5 Most Common Childhood Fears
Children, particularly between the ages of 3 and 7, often struggle with a variety of fears—all developmentally normal. As kids learn to navigate a vast, sometimes unpredictable world, let’s give them the tools and language to build their courage. I’ve compiled a list of the typical fears kids experience in early childhood and what to say to help them through the challenging moments:
1. The Dark
Acknowledge and Validate: “It's okay to feel scared of the dark. Lots of kids feel that way."
Explain the Reality: “Even though it feels scary, the dark is just the same room with the lights off."
Positive Reinforcement: "You are really brave for staying in your bed, even when it feels a little scary."
Coping Mechanisms: "Let’s use a nightlight or keep the door open to help you feel safe."
Book Suggestion: “Orion and the Dark” by Emma Yarlett (Also a fantastic Netflix animated movie)
2. Scary Dreams/Nightmares
Acknowledge and Validate: "That sounds like a really scary dream! I can see it’s made you feel upset. I’m here if you want to tell me about it."
Explain the Reality: "Dreams are like stories our brain makes up—they aren’t real and can’t hurt you. You’re in charge."
Positive Reinforcement: "I’m proud of you for telling me about your dream. That’s really brave."
Coping Mechanisms: "Let’s read a fun story together before bed to help your dreams be nicer." or “What could we change about that dream to make it silly?”
Book Suggestion: by Dr. Jonathan Kushnir.
3. Loud Noises (Thunder, sirens, horns, etc)
Acknowledge and Validate: "It’s natural to feel jumpy when you hear a loud noise. That happens to me, too."
Explain the Reality: "That noise could be the wind or something harmless, like a car outside. What do you think it was?" or “Thunder is the sound that lighting makes. Can you think of any other things that sound like thunder?”
Positive Reinforcement: "You’re staying so calm even though the noise surprised you."
Coping Mechanisms: "If you hear a noise again, let’s make up a silly name for it to make it seem less scary."
Book Suggestion: “Thunder Cake” by Patricia Polacco
4. Monsters Under the Bed/In the Closet
Acknowledge and Validate: "It’s okay to feel scared of monsters. Lots of kids imagine them sometimes." or “It must feel so scary to think a monster is in your room.”
Explain the Reality: "Your room is safe. I’m right here/in the next room if you need me."
Positive Reinforcement: "You’re really brave for staying in your room, even though it feels scary."
Coping Mechanisms: "Let’s check under the bed/in the closet together!" or “Let’s come up with a song to sing that might make you feel better when you’re scared.”
Book Recommendation: “The Monster Above the Bed” by Kailei Pew
5. Being Left Alone
Acknowledge and Validate: "I can see that being alone scares you. Lots of kids feel that way."
Explain the Reality: "Even when you can’t see me, I’m still close by, and I’ll always come back."
Positive Reinforcement: "You are doing great being by yourself. I knew you could do it!"
Coping Mechanisms: "How about we practice being alone a little at a time, and I’ll check in with you?"
Book Recommendation: “I'm Not (Very) Afraid of Being Alone” by Anna Milbourne
If your child has multiple fears through the night, here are a couple of books that speak to general fears around bedtime:
Why Do Children Have These Fears?
Psychologists explain that children's fears are part of how their brains learn to process risks. Some fears—like fear of the dark or loud noises—are rooted in evolution, protecting humans from potential threats. Meanwhile, fears about separation, death, or external dangers reflect a child's need for stability and emotional security. These anxieties can also emerge from family changes or exposure to distressing events like divorce or a loved one’s passing.
Other experts highlight that some children are naturally more sensitive to changes, especially if they have a genetic predisposition to anxiety or have experienced instability, such as frequent moves or traumatic events. Understanding these fears allows parents to approach them with empathy and patience, gradually helping children develop resilience and coping strategies.
Don’t Fear Their Fears
According to clinical expert Elianna Platt, MA, LMSW, letting children work through challenging situations is important, but that’s often easier said than done. As involved and concerned parents, we naturally want to ease our child’s distress, especially when the solution seems simple. However, stepping in too quickly can prevent kids from learning to calm themselves (self-regulate). If children rely on parents for comfort every time, they miss the chance to develop their own coping skills.
Not All Fears Are the Same
Managing everyday fears, like fear of the dark or doctor visits, is important, but not all fears need to be "fixed." Dr. Rachel Busman, PsyD, ABPP, explains that some fears, such as disliking scary movies, show healthy self-advocacy when children recognize and respect their limits.
However, persistent or intense fears that disrupt a child’s daily life may signal a deeper issue. Signs to watch for include:
- Obsessive worrying about the fear, even when the trigger isn’t present.
- Avoidance of activities they’d usually enjoy (e.g., avoiding parks for fear of dogs).
- Severe anxiety symptoms, like panic attacks or withdrawing from school or family.
If your child’s fears overwhelm or impair their life, it may be time to consult a professional for support.
Fear doesn’t have to be a dead end—it’s the beginning of discovering what courage truly means. As parents and caregivers, helping kids face their fears while giving them space to self-regulate is a delicate balance. It’s not always easy to find the right words in the moment, but that’s okay. What matters most is that we show up and remind them that they can face their fears—and we can talk about hard things.
Resources/References:
- How to Help a Child Who is Afraid of the Dark
- Nightmares in Kids: 6 Steps to Stop Scary Dreams
- Calm Kid Central—Working with Children Who Hate Loud Noises
- My 4-Year-Old Is Terrified of Monsters—I Asked a Childhood Therapist What to Do
- Child Mind Institue—How to Hemp Children Manage Fears
- Child Mind Institute—How Can We Help Kids with Emotional Self-Regulation
- National Library of Medicine—Anxiety in the Family
"Ask Auntie Angie" is a thoughts and advice column. The content provided is for informational purposes and is not a substitute for professional advice or counseling. Dreamshelf Press and its affiliates are not liable for any actions or outcomes based on the advice shared in this blog. Names may have been changed to protect the identities of the people and children in this story.