Period of Death
I was nine years old when I got my first period.
It hadn't come up yet in elementary health class, and the adults in my life probably thought they had more time to prepare me. After all, most girls start their cycles in double digits.
Image Source: Shutterstock
So what did my nine-year-old, melodramatic brain and overactive imagination decide?
Obviously, I was dying.
By then, the mysterious afterlife had claimed a few goldfish, cats, dogs, and hamsters, so I was exposed to the concept. My family was also freshly grieving the untimely loss of my dear aunt. So, I was aware that death was not exclusive to household pets and could happen to anyone at any time, even if they were not ready.
At the time, death was the most fascinating thing to me. I vividly remember writing the phrase "death is so romantical" in my Lisa Frank diary. Death evoked intense emotion in people and gave them license to gather and tell beautiful stories about the dearly departed.
It was strange, it was magical, it was going to happen to me.
I thought about the stories my family would tell about me when I was gone. They'd share tales of my performance as the lead role in the school play and how sad it was that I never got to become a movie star. I pictured my parents wishing they had bought me that Tamagotchi I always begged them for before I died. It was beautifully bittersweet.
But then I pictured tears rolling down my brother's face as he lovingly placed sunflowers on my grave, my best friend eating lunch alone at school every day, and my beloved Prince Harry marrying someone else.
How could I tell them their days with me were numbered?
I decided to spare them the painful news.
I lined my underwear with toilet paper, hoping no one would discover my condition. I didn't know how much time I had left, but the pain in my abdomen told me the end was near.
I resolved to live each day as if it were my last. I climbed the highest monkey bars, jumped off the swings in mid-air, and perfected my superhero landing. I wrote poetry, danced in the rain, and sang to the hummingbird that visited my bedroom window each morning. Everything felt sweeter when I was dying.
Alas, the tissue paper was no match for my flow, and my stepmother discovered the stained underwear that I failed to discard discreetly. She graciously explained the meaning of a period and showed me how to use a pad.
Image: 9-year-old me after finding out I wasn't dying. Clearly I wasn't happy about it.
I was shattered. It was like being yanked from a beautiful dream and dumped into a nightmare. Not only was I not dying, but this horrid thing called a "period" was going to happen to me every month from now on. It was so unfair.
The most devastating part of the experience was that I stopped climbing the monkey bars. I never jumped off the swing again. There was no more dancing in the rain.
I didn't die, but I didn't fully live again, either.
As parents and caregivers, it's our responsibility to help children navigate the emotions and questions that come with life, including death. But how do we approach it? How much do children understand? Most importantly, how can we support them through this challenging concept?
Here are some helpful tips on how to have these conversations with your little ones.
1. Keep Their Age in Mind
Children's understanding of death varies depending on their age. Even toddlers feel the loss of a loved one or pet, even if they can't fully grasp it. They'll sense when someone important is no longer around.
For elementary-aged kids, the big question might be, "What does this mean for me?" They may worry about who will care for them or how their lives will change. Teens, on the other hand, may turn to friends for support rather than family.
Each age brings different concerns and levels of understanding. Meet them where they are and be patient with their responses.
2. Be Honest and Clear
When we use phrases like "They went to sleep" or "We lost them," children can become confused—or even fearful. It's better to use straightforward language like "death" or "died."
For example, you might say, "[Pet's Name]'s body stopped working. They can't play or bark anymore, but we'll always remember her." Clear, honest communication helps children understand what's happening without unnecessary confusion.
3. Let Your Child Lead the Conversation
Some kids will have questions right away; others might need time to process. Let your child set the pace.
You can start with, "If this feels like too much right now, we can talk about it later." Giving them the option to pause allows them to feel in control of the conversation. When they're ready, answer their questions honestly and in age-appropriate terms.
4. Consider Their Involvement in the Funeral
Funerals are meant to help people say goodbye, but not every child will be ready to experience one. It's important to respect their choice.
Explain what a funeral is and why we have it, and let your child decide if they want to attend. If they don't, offer them other ways to remember their loved one—perhaps drawing a picture or writing a letter to say goodbye.
5. Provide Support Beyond Yourself
Sometimes, children may feel more comfortable talking to someone else about their grief—especially if they notice you're also sad. Involve other adults they trust, like teachers, relatives, or coaches, to give them additional support outlets.
A solid grief support network allows your child to express their feelings when and with whom they feel most comfortable.
6. Be Alert for Red Flags
Grief can show up in many forms, and while some behaviors are expected, there are red flags to watch for: self-harm, harm to others, or extreme changes in eating, sleeping, or school performance.
When you see these red flags, seek help from a pediatrician or counselor. Getting professional support when you first notice changes can make a big difference rather than risk waiting for things to improve.
7. Keep the Conversation Ongoing
Grief doesn't stop after a single talk. A child's understanding of death evolves as they grow, and milestones may bring back feelings of loss.
They might feel sadness when they graduate, get married, or even during everyday moments like seeing a photo of their loved one. Be open to revisiting the conversation, and continue offering your love and support.
Talking About Death as a Non-Religious Family
Image Source: Parent.com
For families who don't follow a religion, explaining death can feel tricky. Without a belief in an afterlife to comfort your child, you might wonder how to frame the conversation.
One way is to share that people have different beliefs about death. Some believe in heaven or reincarnation, while others see death as a return to the earth. Explain that while beliefs vary, we can all keep the memory of our loved ones alive by cherishing the time we had together.
You might say, "Some people believe in an afterlife, like heaven. Others think we become part of the earth, like trees and flowers. Our family believes [insert your family beliefs]. What matters is that we can always keep our loved ones in our hearts by remembering the love they gave us."
Final Thoughts
Talking to your child about death doesn't have to be overwhelming. With open conversations, patience, and lots of love, you can help them understand death in a way that fits your family's values.
Let them ask questions, be precise with your language, and keep the conversation going. And always remember, we can talk about hard things.
"Ask Auntie Angie" is a thoughts and advice column. The content provided is for informational purposes and is not a substitute for professional advice or counseling. Dreamshelf Press and its affiliates are not liable for any actions or outcomes based on the advice shared in this blog.
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