Not every child returns to school with a sun-kissed smile and tales of summer camp or beach days. Some come back quieter, more withdrawn, and carrying invisible weights. Maybe this summer brought a difficult goodbye, a frightening event, or just too many confusing emotions for one little heart to manage.
I got to attend a webinar hosted by the National Alliance for Children's Grief led by Dr. David Schonfeld of the National Center for School Crisis and Bereavement. The webinar brought together professionals from around the globe to discuss the vital role adults play in helping children and adolescents manage grief, particularly in the context of school and community settings.
This article is for the parents, caregivers, and teachers of children returning not just to math and recess, but to routines that feel different after a loss. The ones whose summer wasn't just fun and freedom, but also change, uncertainty, or grief. As we prepare for the school year, let’s consider how we can support these children with care and understanding.
Children Can Understand Grief
Children, even as young as five, can and should be included in conversations about grief. Dr. David Schonfeld of the National Center for School Crisis and Bereavement emphasizes that when adults avoid these conversations out of discomfort, they may unintentionally increase confusion and anxiety. Giving children simple, honest explanations and room to ask questions helps them feel safer and more secure.
What You Can Do:
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Use clear and age-appropriate language to talk about death and loss.
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Invite questions and answer honestly without overloading them.
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Let them share memories or draw their feelings.
Grief and Trauma Are Not the Same
Image by: Unalome Theraphy
While grief is a normal response to loss, trauma stems from events that make a child feel unsafe or helpless. When the two overlap, they each require different kinds of support. A trauma-first approach may help a child feel safe, but grief still needs attention and space.
What You Can Do:
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Don’t assume one experience overshadows the other. Attend to both grief and trauma.
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Use different tools for each: routines and comfort for grief; safety and control for trauma.
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Seek professional guidance if trauma symptoms persist (nightmares, regression, intense fear).
Grief Looks Different for Every Child
Children grieve in many ways. Some may cry or talk openly, others may become angry, clingy, or distracted. These behaviors are often misunderstood as defiance or inattention.
What You Can Do:
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Watch for behavior changes and gently ask how the child is feeling.
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Offer reassurance and patience.
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Provide calm routines but allow flexibility when needed.
Be Aware of Grief Triggers
Certain topics or classroom activities may remind children of their loss. Discussions about illness, war, or death—even in fiction—can stir up big feelings unexpectedly.
What You Can Do:
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Introduce sensitive subjects gently and with care.
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Give children permission to step out or talk to an adult.
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Create a plan for how a child can seek support when they’re overwhelmed.
Help Children Support Each Other
Peers play a big role in how children feel at school. Often, classmates want to help but don’t know how.
What You Can Do:
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Teach children kind ways to acknowledge grief (e.g., “I’m sorry you’re sad” or “I’m here if you need me”).
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Create classroom cultures where feelings are accepted and supported.
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Include grief education as part of social-emotional learning.
Care for the Caregivers Too
Teachers and parents often carry their own grief while trying to support others. After a crisis, the expectations placed on staff can be especially heavy.
What You Can Do:
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Give yourself grace. Your well-being matters too.
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Schools should provide time, training, and space for staff to process their experiences.
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Model healthy coping for children by sharing feelings appropriately.
Consider Memorials With Care
When honoring someone who died, involving children in the planning process is important. Dr. Schonfeld reminds us that meaningful memorials help children express their emotions and gain a sense of control.
What You Can Do:
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Let children help choose symbols or rituals that reflect their feelings.
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Focus on celebrating the person’s life, not just their death.
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Keep activities developmentally appropriate and optional.
Closing Thoughts
As we begin a new school year, it’s important to remember that not every child arrives ready to learn multiplication or write essays. Some are still trying to make sense of a heartbreaking goodbye, the loss of safety, or lingering fear from a traumatic event.
The role of caring adults is not to have all the answers, but to create an environment where children feel seen, heard, and supported.
We cannot remove their grief, but we can walk beside them. We can build classrooms and homes where emotions are welcomed, questions are answered with honesty, and healing happens gradually through connection and compassion.
To learn more, download the presentation handout from Dr. David Schonfeld’s webinar, "Supporting Schools in the Aftermath of Crisis Due to School or Community Violence," available through the National Alliance for Children's Grief:
Let’s make this school year not just a return to academics, but a return to empathy, patience, and heart—for every child, no matter what their summer held.
With love,
Auntie Angie
"Ask Auntie Angie" is a thoughts and advice column. The content provided is for informational purposes and is not a substitute for professional advice or counseling. Dreamshelf Press and its affiliates are not liable for any actions or outcomes based on the advice shared in this blog. Names may have been changed to protect the identities of the people and children in this story.
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