During my years as a teacher and running a non-profit for kids, one of the conversations I dreaded most was with the parents or guardians of a child who was bullying others. No one likes to hear the words, "Your child is being a bully."
I’d brace myself every time because I knew what was coming: disbelief, defensiveness, or accusations that I had it out for their child. Some parents insisted I should have better control over the classroom. It was my responsibility to fix the problem without their involvement. After all, I was the teacher.
I get it. Hearing those words can be heartbreaking, confusing, and overwhelming. Sometimes, children behave differently at home than at school, so it’s hard for some of us to believe that their well-behaved child at home can cause problems for other kids in school. While the word “bully” carries heavy emotional weight, it’s important to remember that kids are still learning how to navigate social situations, and their behavior does not define who they are as people.
But here’s the truth: handling bullying isn’t just something that happens within the four walls of a classroom. Real change requires teamwork between school and home. When parents and teachers partner together, we can address the behavior early and give kids the tools they need to grow and do better.
In today’s Ask Auntie Angie, I’ll walk you through the subtle signs of bullying, share insights into why kids bully, and give you 10 things to say to your child if they’ve been engaging in bullying behavior.
Why Do Kids Bully?
There are many reasons a child might act aggressively toward others. In fact, many of the reasons why kids bully other kids are the same reasons why children may become vulnerable to being bullied. Often, kids don’t bully because they’re “bad.” Instead, their behavior may reflect personal struggles, such as:
- Low self-esteem and the need to feel powerful.
- Wanting to “fit in” with a group that targets others.
- Impulsivity and struggling to control emotions.
- Modeling aggressive behavior, they see at home, online/on the TV, or in other environments they’re regularly in.
- They’ve experienced abuse (physical, psychological, sexual, or any combination).
- A desire for attention they don’t receive elsewhere.
- Difficulty understanding how their behavior impacts others.
- They’ve recently suffered a significant loss (the death of a close family member, pet, or friend.
- They’ve recently experienced a substantial shift in daily life (like a divorce or moving to a new school/town/state/country.)
- Or a combination of any of the above factors.
Sometimes, the issues they’re struggling with are not so obvious— like when a child is expressing neuro-divergent behaviors that are just being recognized in a classroom setting. Whether your child is acting impulsively or is struggling with underlying issues, it’s crucial to address the behavior before it becomes a pattern. Stopping bullying is part of the goal; the other part is equipping our kids with tools to foster healthy friendships.
How to Tell if Your Child is a Bully
According to stompoutbullying.org, here are some signs that you may be parenting a bully:
- Your child views violence in a positive light.
- Your child is often aggressive towards you, their teachers, or other adults.
- Your child wants to control or dominate situations and others.
- Male bullies tend to be physically stronger and like to overpower their peers physically.
- Female bullies are typically more dramatic than their peers and have a "mean girls" attitude. They also want to win at all costs.
- Your child tends to be hot-tempered, impulsive, or quickly and easily frustrated.
- Your child often breaks the rules, crosses boundaries, or tests other limits.
- Your child can skillfully talk their way out of difficult situations.
- Your child laughs at other kids who are being bullied or expresses little sympathy for them.
Remember, these behaviors do not guarantee that your child is a bully, they are only common characteristics found in typical bullies.
Top 10 Things to Say When Your Child is Bullying
If you discover your child has been bullying other children, the conversations you have can reshape their behavior and mindset. Here are 10 things to say to guide your child toward empathy and better friendships:
- “Help me understand what happened.”
Start with curiosity. Give your child a safe space to explain their actions instead of jumping straight into punishment. This can help you get to the bottom of what triggered the behavior.
- “We don’t solve problems by hurting others.”
Using “we” terms reinforces family values and reminds your child that they are not alone. Validate their feelings and let them know that fear or anger is okay. However, it should be made clear that bullying behavior is not okay. Express that there are safer ways to express their feelings that don’t involve hurting others.
- “How do you think the other person felt when you did that?”
Empathy is a skill that sometimes needs to be taught. Asking questions that put your child in another child’s position can help them see things from another’s perspective. Reflecting on the emotional impact your child’s actions have on others is a great place to start when fostering empathy.
- “Let’s talk about how to make this right.”
Ask your child to brainstorm ways they can repair the harm done. If they can’t think of anything right away, suggest some ideas, like starting with an apology, writing a note, or including the child they’ve harmed in a game. Meaningful action matters.
- “Are there places where you feel left out or bullied?”
Children who bully may have their own emotional wounds. Understanding if they are struggling with bullying themselves can reveal underlying problems. Be prepared to own up to and apologize for situations where your actions as a parent/caregiver have made a child feel bullied. Nobody is perfect, and modeling an apology is a great way to start healing.
- “We don’t use power to hurt others. We use it to help.”
Teach your child that leadership and strength should be used to support others, not to control or harm them. Especially if your child is bigger or stronger than other children in their life, it’s essential to instill in them that they should use their strength to help others.
- “What could you do differently next time?”
Walk through scenarios where your child might feel tempted to act out again. Help them come up with new ways to respond to challenging situations.
- “At home and school, we speak kindly and treat others with respect.”
Modeling kindness at home reinforces the behavior you want to see in your child. Create a family culture that practices respect and lifts others up. Teach them the values you’re instilling at home for them to use in school and as they navigate the world.
- “If you feel angry or frustrated, come talk to me.”
Let your child know that their emotions are valid and that you are a safe space for them to process complicated feelings. Sometimes, kids bully because they don’t know how to express emotions in a healthy way.
- “I believe in you. I know you can be a good friend.”
Show faith in your child’s ability to change. Kids respond well to positive reinforcement and must know you believe in their growth.
What to Do Next
Addressing bullying isn’t just about changing your child’s behavior—it’s about building connection, empathy, and better coping skills.
Here are some additional tips to keep in mind:
- Communicate Regularly: Check in with your child daily about their friendships and feelings. Create a habit of open conversations so they feel comfortable sharing struggles.
- Monitor Social Media: If cyberbullying is involved, take charge of their online activity until they show they can use it responsibly.
- Work with Teachers: Stay in touch with school staff to monitor your child’s behavior and progress. Collaboration is key.
- Seek Professional Help if Needed: If bullying persists or your child struggles emotionally, consider consulting a child therapist.
Being the parent of a bully can feel lonely and discouraging. It’s easy to beat yourself up internally for missing the signs sooner. But remember—you are not alone, and this does not define your child or your parenting. It takes a whole lot of love and patience to overcome bullying. But, in time, your child can learn to build healthier relationships and become a better friend with empathy, consistent conversations, and support.
The key is connection, not shame. Every child has the capacity to grow, and every parent has the power to guide them toward kindness. You’ve got this. Remember, we can talk about hard things.
With love,
Auntie Angie
Resources:
- As They Grow - 18 Signs of Low Self-Esteem in a Child and How to Help
- Duke University - Sometimes, Even 3-Year-Olds Just want to Fit in With the Group.
- Michigan State University - Monkey See Monkey Do: Model Behavior in Early Childhood
- Stop Abuse Campaign - Examining the Vexing Link Between Child Abuse and Bullying
- The Week - Why Kids Bully and What to Do About It: Experts Weigh In
"Ask Auntie Angie" is a thoughts and advice column. The content provided is for informational purposes and is not a substitute for professional advice or counseling. Dreamshelf Press and its affiliates are not liable for any actions or outcomes based on the advice shared in this blog. Names may have been changed to protect the identities of the people and children in this story.